Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
