I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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