I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
