i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
