12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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