I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
