How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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