apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
