At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
