he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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