That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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