I cannot find my penis.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
