So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
