Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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