Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
