Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
