matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
