i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
