Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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