College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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