He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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