i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
