I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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