you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
