wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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