Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
