You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
