4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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