he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
