anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
