I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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