"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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