That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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