I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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