the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
