Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I checked into jail on foursquare
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Oh god it's open bar.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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