When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
