I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
