I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
