Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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