I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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