I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
