i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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