i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
