she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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