How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
