Tell her she can't have a vagina
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
