in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
