maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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