So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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