I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
