If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
