I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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