just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
