She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
