They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Sorry about my life...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
