I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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