I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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