now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
