I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
