I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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