Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
