Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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