the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
