i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize